Wow..I'm actually writing!

I never blog on here anymore. Life is very busy and let's face it, I just really liked JS. Oh well. I must move on! lol The owner of the house that we're in has decided to sell because it's in foreclosure. They called and said that I could probably stay maybe 2-3 months and I instantly went into panic mode. All I could see, was me and the kids back at the shelter. I freaked out. I cried, and then I went into survival mode. The very next day, I found a nice, newer house for the kids and I. The new owner is more hands on and seems like a more honorable man to tell you the truth. My current landlord is already giving me a hard time about my deposit. It's okay. I will find the records. I let myself stay in fear for a little while before my sponsor brought me back to reality and made me realize that it's God's will and not mine. Everything falls into place just like it should when I stop fighting and being a control freak.

In other news...Lauren will be a junior this year and Phoenix is starting kindergarten. Orion just started pre-school. It's amazing just how fast they grow. Neither Lauren's father or the boy's father has shown any interest in knowing their children. It's really too bad. They don't know what they are missing. Lauren actually called her dad's house yesterday and her great-grandmother answered and hung up on her! I was furious, but in the end...she's probably better off. She doesn't need people in her life that aren't healthy. I just made sure that she was ok and understood that it wasn't anything that she was lacking. She's a great kid. Beautiful, smart, everyting you could ask for in a daughter. The boys are growing up to be awesome as well.

Once again, I'm going to leave it up to God's will. I'm just so grateful to have the privelage of having these wonderful children.

I see light at the end of the tunnel

Wow...I'm so exhausted. Five finals in the last three days. It's four in the morning and I'm still working on this research paper for my ethnic studies class. I'm praying and breathing a lot. I turn this paper in tomorrow and then I have three weeks off until summer school starts. I can't wait. I just checked my transcipt. I have a running GPA of 3.5 Not bad for a single mom of three who's constantly pulling her hair out! lol Hope everyone is well. Take care and I will get around more once I start my lil mini vacation. Much love and respect to all. :-)

Summer here I come

Next week is finals and then I'm all done with this semester. Yay! I'm so looking forward to having a few weeks off before summer school starts. Life is still going great. Phoenix starts kindergarten in August, and he's so excited! I can't believe it! My babies are growing up! Lauren will be a junior in high school next year. Wow...where does the time go? I'm currently in the process of potty training Orion, and that has been a challenge to say the very least. He's just not interested. Oh well...when he's ready...he's ready. :-) Other then that...I'm just keeping my nose to the grindstone. Going to NA meetings, keeping up with school, and suiting up and showing up for my kids. I figure that's all God really has in store for me right now. I know that Mr. Right is out there...but he'll just have to wait a lil while longer because I still have much work to do. :-)

Blessed

Dad, Mom, and I went to the award ceremony dinner for the scholarship that I received last night. It was really nice. Very fancy. I didn't know until I got there, but I was the honorary guest. I was saved for the last, since my award was the biggest sum out of everybody's. I received a check for $1000. I'm trying to save up for a new car, so this is really going to help.

All the award recipients had their pre-prepared speeches going on. I was like whoops! Was I supposed to have one of those?! lol I'm used to public speaking because I do so much of it in recovery. As I got up to the podium, I became very emotional. I told everyone that I was just going to wing it. I spoke from my heart. I cried. People cried. My parents were proud.

My life has changed so much in such a short time. I'm coming up on four years clean. July marks the anniversary of leaving my husband and moving the shelter and creating a new life for the kids and I. Life is amazing. Had you told it would be like this a few years ago...I would of never believed. I am so blessed.

I did it!

I have officially completed The Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous.

Step Twelve: "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Now it's time for me to start sponsoring other women and give what was so freely given to me. A new way of life.

So many things...so little time

I attended the NA convention weekend before last. What an awesome experience to say the very least. There is something to be said about the power of being in a room of over 8000 recovering addicts all there for the same purpose. To carry the message. To care and love one another. It was absolutely amazing! Words cannot describe it! I had a great time!

In other news...I am dealing with the fact that I have a teenage daughter that has raging hormones. She recently came to to me and shared the news that she is no longer a virgin. A part of me was devestated, but a part of me was also honored by the fact that she felt enough trust in me to share that much of herself. I know that I would of never shared that experience with my mother at that age. I guess I'm doing something right. I've felt a lot of heart ache over this. The loss of her innocence. I know that this was a long time coming. I've talked to my support group and I've worked through the pain. I just want to be there for her and help her to make healthy, responsible decisions.

Today, my ethnic studies professor told me that he was nominating me for an award at school. It an award that has to do with scholastics as well as outside endeavors. He was impressed with my work in the recovery process. I am truly honored.

So much is happening. I have come so far in such a short time. I am just two courses away from completing my coursework for my major in Administration of Justice. I can't believe it! It seems just like yesterday when I started! :-)

omg..

I can't believe this sh*t! I had all of last week off and I just now get sick?! I haven't felt this bad in years. I didn't have the sheer will to force myself to get out of bed today. Just couldn't do it. Not to sound like a big baby...but I just feel like crying right now. That's how bad I feel.

That is all...

""religion is for people who want to avoid hell. spirituality if for those who have already been there.""

Spring break...time to update

Gosh I haven't posted on here in like forever! I always check in on everybody, but it just seems like I never have the time to write. I'm on spring break this week so I finally found a minute. Things are going good. I'm still taking 18 units, which translates into 6 classes. I actually have all A's and high B's in all except for one class, so I'm doing pretty good.

The kids are doing well. Lauren is getting ready to go to her first high school prom! I can't believe it! My lil girl is growin up! *sniff* She's a good kid. I've really been blessed.

My recovery is stronger than ever. I'm going to meetings all the time. I've built a great support group and I'll be done with the 12 steps this week! WooHoo! I'm being asked to speak at group level a lot now. Me and my big mouth! lol

Recently, my sponsor told me that I very "theatrical" when I spoke. I took huge offense to this. It was as if she said I was "acting"! I told her that I preferred "passionate". But whatever...to each his own. I'm just so frickin grateful to be alive and to be allowed the life that I have today. If I get a lil excited when I talk about it...then I think that's a good thing! :-)

So, today I'm going shopping with my girlfriend and then hanging out at the house. Exciting isn't it? lol Have a great day! :-)

Clarity...

Just wanted to shed some light on the last post... I will not be making amends to anyone that isn't ready for them to be made. I think the step that I posted just below defines what I mean.

This is step 9...

We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I should of posted this much sooner. I am so grateful to all of you for your love and support.

More shall be revealed...

I finished my 8th step with my sponsor last night, which means I am officially on my 9th step now.


We made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Contrary to populary belief, my list is not ALL that long! lol Only one sheet of binder paper. Single spaced of course. I'm excited to do this step. It's going to be a journey of healing and self discovery.

Some people I will make direct face to face amends to, while others, I will have to write letters too. (Ex-husbands and the like)

Okay I'm off to school! Have a great....great....great day!

Wow....

So I took my mid-term for Ethnic Studies in Film last week. I initially took this class as a "filler"...meaning that I thought it would give me an easy 3 units on my transcript. I was so WRONG! This is bar none the hardest class out of the 18 units that I'm taking this semester! The professor is tough, but fair.

Anyways...we got our exams back today. Before he handed them back he said that he didn't want to embarress me but that my test was the perfect example of a great job! I was floored! I was totally prepared to just get an average score. I'm so stoked!

Oh yes I got a perfect score 10/10!

Blessings

Live right and the blessing just keep pouring in....

In December I applied for a very prestigious scholarship. Not only was it based on scholastic achievement, but on overcoming of adversity such as mine.

Yesterday I received the following email...

I am pleased to tell you that you were chosen as our winner for the Soroptimist International Burlingame-San Mateo-Mid Peninsula Women's Opportunity Award.

I am mailing you a letter with more information that I will include in this email, but I wanted to touch base with you and let you know.

The judges and myself were greatly impressed by your sheer will-power and self motivation to overcome the obstacles you have been faced with. We have no doubt and are hopeful the road will be simpler for you to reach your goals in the future.

I screamed so loud when I read it that my daughter thought that I had fallen off of the computer chair! lol Life is good!

I woke up today not feeling very well. I think that I have a head cold. Oh great! lol I had an oral presentation due in my ethnic studies class. It went really well. I got an A. I'm home now. I'm going to take a nap.

I got a call last night. I was asking to speak at an NA meeting. I'm supposed to share my experience, strength, and hope tonight. I'm nervous as always. My friend says to just speak from my heart. If I do that...I just might start crying. Well that might be good. I feel so much passion when it comes to my recovery. It saved my life. Without recovery...I would have no life.

The other day I was with my sponsor. She was giving me my 7th step assignment. I was coming up with a whole lot of excuses why I couldn't get it done. She told me point blank that she didn't want to hear it. She said this....

I didn't tell you to be Superwoman
I didn't tell you to have three kids
I didn't tell you to take 18 units in school
I didn't tell you to work
All I care about is your recovery

This sounds harsh to the casual observer. But you know whats harsher? Relapse. Loss of what I've achieved today. Death. So I quieted myself and set to the task of working on my step. My sponsor is a very wise woman. I love her so much.

Have a blessed day!
Now get your step done!

Looks can be deceiving...

It's kinda nice when someone looks at me nowadays and says..."You used to do meth?" No way! And I say..."oh ya!"Let me tell ya...there was a day when none of ya would of recognized me or would of wanted anything to do with me. I'm so glad that those days are over.

Growing up, I was always a bit of a tomb-boy. Daddy's little girl. Always went hunting and fishing with dear old dad. Got my first b-b gun at the age of 8 or 9 and learned to shoot a shot gun sometime later. I grew up around cars and thus have a little more mechanical knowledge then your typical "woman"...lol That is said with much love ladies.

So today...I fixed the tail light and brake lights on my car. It did involve a little more then just replacing the bulbs since the dang connections had corroded and I had to literally disassemble the entire light assembly just to get them out. But I feel so accomplished today. All lights are now in good working order, which means no ticket...and more importantly...we are safe! Yay!

Okay...I'm off to do some history homework. I also finished my first english essay that was assigned this semester. I'm pretty darned proud of it. I think I did an overall good job. Hope everyone is well. Much love and respect always.

Happy Hearts Day...

My how things have changed! My daughter is out with her boyfriend tonight for Valentine's Day. I'm home with the boy's tonight. It's been a little tradition of mine as of late to take myself to the movies on saturday nights. This is something that I could of never done in the past. I see it as some real personal growth. Being able to be comfortable enough in my own skin to go somewhere alone is an amazing feeling. I've seen some really good movies lately too! But tonight I'll stay home with my two little valentine's and watch some cartoons. Happy Hearts Day everybody! Much love to you all :-)

Today I can make a difference

I've been "keeping on...keeping on"...as they say in the program of recovery. I am on this spiritual high. I can't believe how amazing I feel!
I'm still doing the 18 units in college. I'm still doing the single mom to three kids. I'm still working the lil part time job.
I'm not telling you all this to get pats on the back.
I'm telling you this...because I realized something just on Sunday.
Today I have become "teachable"...today I can strive for things that I never thought were possible. I'm doing this! I'm more then half way to my AA degree. A few years back when I was still in the streets doing my dope...who would of thought? huh? lol
Today....I've learned that I'm not perfect...and you know what? Thats okay. It's progress...not perfection. Everyday...I get the privelage to work on me.Today...I get to be a daughter...a student...a sister...a mother...a neice...a granddaughter...a friend...a cousin....Most importantly...today...I get to be alive.

Yay me!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Can you believe it? I'm 37 today! lol

Have a great day everybody!

Have a great day on me!

Much love and respect always!

Thank you Yacky for being a friend...

I was in a little bit of a funk. Yacky went out of his way to email and make sure that I was okay...for this I thank you my dear friend.

I've been "keeping on...keeping on"...as they say in the program of recovery. I am on this spiritual high. I can't believe how amazing I feel! I'm still doing the 18 units in college. I'm still doing the single mom to three kids. I'm still working the lil part time job. I'm not telling you all this to get pats on the back.

I'm telling you this...because I realized something just on Sunday. Today I have become "teachable"...today I can strive for things that I never thought were possible. I'm doing this! I'm more then half way to my AA degree. A few years back when I was still in the streets doing my dope...who would of thought? huh? lol

Today....I've learned that I'm not perfect...and you know what? Thats okay. It's progress...not perfection. Everyday...I get the privelage to work on me.

Today...I get to be a daughter...a student...a sister...a mother...a neice...a granddaughter...a friend...a cousin....

Most importantly...today...I get to be alive.

I'm go grateful to alive. I don't plan on wasting anymore time.